Community Counseling Center, Lewisville

REMINDERS FOR THE JOURNEY – January 5, 2007

Conversational styles – and can they be changed?

 
            First, let’s acknowledge that virtually all bad habits are hard to change.  Many of us right now, after the first of the New Year, are vowing to change dietary habits, but most all will fail and some already have!  And so it goes with attempts to change other habits as well.

This week’s “Reminders” column has to do with conversation habits or practices.  I have often thought about this topic, as I have observed how people converse, especially married couples.  I choose to use the term “conversation” in my column rather than “communication,” as I place one’s conversational style under the larger umbrella of communication.  For my purposes here, conversational  style simply has to do with how we talk and how we listen to other people. 

Some common dysfunctional (and sometimes disgusting!) conversational styles are:  those that tend to be quite verbose (i.e., they talk too much!);  opinionated people that have thoughts and ideas on about every topic possible; those that tend to be exceedingly quiet and withdrawn and are reluctant to engage; loud individuals whose booming voices make others very uncomfortable; people who tend to tell others “what they should or should not do” as they attempt to “fix” everyone in sight; those that tend to complete the sentences of others; interrogators that ask such pointed and direct questions that others want to flee; those that invade your personal space by getting so close to you when conversing that they spit on you; those who simply will not listen; and people that constantly interrupt.  We all know some people in each category.

Additionally, some individuals are very “intellectual.”  They are walking repositories of facts and figures and are typically very willing to espouse them to their friends and family members.  A few others are persons that you can’t get away from, that just keep reiterating the same thoughts and feelings over and over and over.  I recall a couple of men that I knew over 30 years ago that cornered me only one time; after that, I made sure I was on the move whenever I saw them coming.  Their trains of thought simply had no caboose!

Another style that gets a little wearing is the “laugher” who constantly “yucks it up.”  Yes, I am all for a good laugh, but not after every sentence, and especially when it’s not funny!  Still others are apologizers, and the constant expressions of, “I’m sorry,” gets a little wearing as well.    

            My most basic answer to the question of “can these styles be changed?” is that some can but most probably won’t be.  Those that are wordy and those that are loud just don’t seem to ever change, but that doesn’t mean that it is not worth a try.  However, those I have observed that practice these styles seem to never change.  I have seen opinionated people change, as well as those that exhibit a desire to fix others; additionally, I know a few individuals that learned to be better listeners. 

I think most people aren’t aware of their dysfunctional tendencies, and until they can be identified, there is no reason they would have any desire to change.  Secondly, some who have their deficiencies pointed out simply either disagree, or just don’t want to change.  I know a female that is very detailed oriented in her delivery and even though her husband tells her so, she claims that details are important and consequently has no desire to change.  “Eloquence consists in saying what is necessary and only what is necessary,” is a quote I have long revered that seems to fit here.

            Another reason I don’t have a lot of hope that many people will change their conversational styles is that it seems that when they are speaking, they are incapable of also observing how their audience perceives them.  Those that are able to pay attention to audience feedback seem to instinctively know better when to talk and when to listen, hence are more capable of having healthy “back-and-forth” interactions when conversing.  Also, introspective people seem to pick up on cues better than others, and it almost seems to me that this is an inborn trait, just as some people can run faster than others.

            I encourage you to be courageous by asking someone close to you how you could be a better conversationalist.  Until you can see it, you can’t change it.

(Doug Smith is a licensed professional counselor and marriage and family therapist.  972-436-6227 or doug@ccclewisville.com)